mindvox.txt

黑客培训教程

       thrust  upon  me  as a teenager -- I had become completely out of
       touch with my feelings.  Not out of  touch  that  I  didn't  have
       them,  I  had  over a thousand pages of them sprayed across mega-
       bytes of disks where I wrote out all the things inside of  myself
       driving  me crazy;  but out of touch in the sense that when I be-
       gan taking things apart and  analyzing  reality,  I  had  stopped
       listening  to  anything  I  felt inside and just tuned in to what
       seemed logical.

       The problem being that the more you try to act out of logic,  the
       more you find yourself applying logic to utterly emotional issues
       in an completely crazed and  self-destructive  way.   When  logic
       should  be  asking: "Why do I want to weigh 215 pounds of muscle?
       What the hell am I doing?" it suddenly finds itself in the  posi-
       tion  of  contemplating "Ok, so if I want to gain 5 pounds in the
       next 2 weeks, how many CC's of Deca do I mix with X mg.  of  Ana-
       var,  with what ratio of carbs/fat and what is the minimum PER of
       the protein I am going to consume in order to remain in an  anti-
       catabolic state?"

       Welcome to real-life Alice in Wonderland, taking  place  in  your
       head.

       At the age of twenty-one I had managed to attain a place where  I
       possessed everything that I ever thought I wanted.  Life is funny
       that way, you really do get whatever you desire.   Endless  hours
       spent  reading  thousands  of books; the mix and match regimen of
       combinations of new nootropics and longevity agents; and the  fi-
       nal  combination  of steroids and obsessive workouts had resulted
       in my achievement of the goal I had subconsciously  been  working
       towards  for  most  of my life.  I had succeeded in my efforts to
       become absolutely untouchable by anyone or anything.

       When you are no longer in the middle of a situation and have  the
       comfort of hindsight it's very simple to deduce what the underly-
       ing problems behind anything happen to be, and why you are acting
       in a way that is physically, mentally and spiritually destructive
       to yourself.  While there is nothing inherently  wrong  with  any
       action  I  might have taken, it all comes back to the question of
       why are you doing something?  And looking back upon  my  life,  I
       had actually lived very little of it in an attempt to make myself
       happy.  Almost everything had been some sort of reaction to those
       around me, and how I felt I had to respond to them.

       Despite my intellectual understanding of  how  brief  moments  of
       stimulus-response  can  shape  a person's existence, like so many
       endlessly-referenced frames  of  film  forever  etched  in  their
       brain.   Long-gone  fragments  of  time that refuse to relinquish
       their hold on the present, telling people who they  are,  setting
       their limitations, and defining the boundaries of what they allow
       their lives to mean.  In truth I had never managed to  apply  any
       of  this knowledge to myself and had lived most of my life in ac-
       cordance with the patterns of self-destructive  programming  per-
       petually repeating a loop in my head.

       From childhood onwards I have been through  a  seemingly  endless
       variety of extremes in my life; moving from levels of comfortable
       opulence, to near-poverty and back again, more times than I  care
       to  count.   What  I  had  learned  from this was that being poor
       wasn't that much fun, and could really suck, therefore logic dic-
       tates  that  I must always have a lot of money and do whatever it
       takes to get it.  In fact I'm going to be so unconcerned with mo-
       ney  that  I will start to feel anxious if I'm not wearing a $300
       dollar haircut and a $400 dollar shirt.  I have  felt  controlled
       by  situations  beyond my reach in the past, therefore I am going
       to learn as much as I can about everything, so that  nobody  will
       ever  be  able  to  fuck  with  my head and attempt to control me
       through misrepresentation of the  truth.   I  have  been  out-of-
       control  with  various  addictions and done such stupid things to
       myself that through combinations of downers and alcohol I have at
       one  point  weighed  over 300 pounds; therefore I will understand
       every fucking piece of biochemistry that is known about the human
       body,  I  will  do  whatever it takes to look into the mirror and
       gain my own approval even if it means working out with such  fre-
       quency that a pleasant sport becomes a daily torture session that
       leaves me nauseous and physically incapable of performing  simple
       movements  because  everything  hurts  all the time.  I will look
       like someone has spray-painted skin onto a statue no  matter  how
       difficult  it  is to maintain this state constantly, I will force
       myself to eat 6,000 calories of protein and 400 calories of  car-
       bohydrate,  and  if I can no longer think or move and my ultimate
       fantasy has become sleeping 18 hours a day, then that's what caf-
       feine and amphetamines are for.  I live in hell therefore I shall
       use drugs to escape my hell by taking week-long vacations on opi-
       ates,  but  I will never be controlled by anything, so on the 8th
       day I will walk away from heaven and live  through  a  couple  of
       days  of  pain  that  hurt  a little bit more than the rest of my
       life, but I will never be some fucking junkie, because I not only
       can  do  anything,  I  WILL  do  it,  and I just dare the fucking
       universe to try and prove otherwise, because I can quit anything,
       I  can  conquer  anything, I can do anything to prove anything to
       anyone and you can't stop me, because the entire world is full of
       weak,  soft and stupid motherfuckers who talk much and do little;
       praise George Bernard Shaw and pass the Nietzsche.

       Coming down off the adrenalin and testosterone rush the  memories
       I  used  to write that paragraph with have triggered, I'd like to
       take this moment to borrow a  quote  from  one  of  the  greatest
       poet-philosophers of our time: "Happy happy! Joy joy!"

       After endless repetitions of this cycle I had finally  reached  a
       state  in  which  my  internal  programming ceased to function --
       there was simply nothing left I could  apply  it  to.   Over  the
       years  I  had  overcome most of my psychological barriers through
       direct mental or physical actions, that  had  brought  with  them
       physical  rewards  that I was utterly incapable of applying to my
       life at that time.  Welcome to oblivion.

       Hitting absolute nothingness was the beginning of a very personal
       catharsis  for me that finally led to turning inwards to see what
       was wrong, since externally, everything looked okay.  I  had  at-
       tained  a  physical state that "corrected" everything my subcons-
       cious had said was "wrong" with me, yet for some bewildering rea-
       son  I  was  not  deliriously  happy.  A series of steps followed
       which eventually led to various experiments in the world of thea-
       tre and film, where I had the chance to re-connect with emotions,
       and get them back into some kind of perspective from the comfort-
       able vantage point and attitude of: "they're not really mine, I'm
       only playing them."  All of which reached a pinnacle when I began
       experimenting with LSD for the first time.

       If you have never experienced what it is like to be  on  an  acid
       trip,  it  will  be  difficult for me to convey the kaleidoscopic
       depth of experience you are presented with.  It does nothing less
       nor more, than strip away every preconceived notion that you have
       ever had regarding what "reality" is.   Beyond  the  special  ef-
       fects,  intellectual  realizations,  and  creative opportunity it
       presents, it leaves you imbued with one very basic truth  of  the
       universe:   No  matter  what  the actual outcome of your actions,
       what matters is your intent.  If what you are doing  --  whatever
       it  may be -- is being done out of any reason other than a desire
       to bring happiness to people; to help humanity as a  whole  reach
       some greater level of understanding; to uplift and inspire people
       to reach for something that is within everyone's grasp . . . then
       you are wasting your time.

       This is not exactly news, I mean it is the  basic  belief  system
       that every religion on earth is founded on (with the possible ex-
       ception of Satanism, and a few other offshoots of this system  of
       thought).   The problem with religion getting such a bad rap most
       of the time is largely due to the fact that most people  who  act
       as  spokesmen  for  any  given religious cause, are only mouthing
       words they comprehend on an intellectual level.  They are not ac-
       tually  living  in this state of internal alignment, so what they
       have to offer can be very suspect . . . how is  someone  who  has
       not  attained  what  he speaks of, supposed to help you attain it
       for yourself?  While dogma may help a limited few, it will  never
       reach  most  of  those  who posses the ability to think for them-
       selves.  Nor is standing at a pulpit or in front of a camera  and
       ranting  about  damnation, going to help anyone reach any kind of
       positive state.

       I obviously cannot speak for everybody, but from my own  perspec-
       tive  I had read the holy books of most religions on earth when I
       became interested in psychology and the theories of Carl Jung  --
       who  crosses  over into mysticism and religious experience, going
       as far as the concept of "karma" with his theory of  Synchronici-
       ty.  Yet I never got anything from them other than an intellectu-
       al high of understanding how groups of people could be programmed
       to behave in certain ways . . . which isn't what it's about.  The
       EXPERIENCE is what all religions are based on, how you choose  to
       interpret it is entirely up to you.  But a very simple thing that
       becomes apparent is the basic truth that wherever  your  inspira-
       tion  is  coming  from, if it fills you with the need to motivate
       large groups of people to do SOMETHING, be that something in  the
       name  of  "God" or anybody else . . . then somewhere, you got the
       wrong message.  Because there really isn't all that much  to  say
       beyond  the  very simple and obvious, "give love and you will get
       it."  The only thing that needs to be changed  is  your  attitude
       and outlook on life.  Making group_of_people(x) move twenty paces
       to the left while wearing black hats and reading  from  the  Holy
       Book  of  the  Arboreal  Tree Sloth, isn't gonna make the world a
       better place.

       While this discourse is tangential to some of the issues at hand,
       in  a  great  sense  it  is the underlying cause for all of them.
       Once you have seen the light as it were, or understood the bigger
       picture . . . it becomes very hard to go back to living life with
       blinders on regarding your  own  actions.   Until  it  eventually
       reaches  the  place where I found myself.  The point at which the
       only things I'm going to talk about are those that matter to  me,
       things  I  believe  in . . . things I believe will help people in
       some manner.  Along with the realization that I cannot do  a  lot
       of  things  I  used  to  do  anymore.  I cannot lie to people and
       present them with some image they want to see  in  order  to  get
       something  from  them  --  because I mean, WHAT is there to "get"
       anyway?  I can no longer be a politician or figurehead for causes
       that I do not believe in, and I will no longer waste my time tak-
       ing part in meaningless drivel that serves to do nothing but  en-
       trench me in bullshit without end; I had already spent most of my
       life taking apart the rules and winning at whatever game I  tried
       to  play.   What  I never bothered to examine was the fact that I
       didn't "win" anything that ever brought me any happiness  .  .  .
       what is the point in playing if you don't want the "prize?"


       Stagnation of the Electronic Frontier
       -------------------------------------

       Moving forward in time by about two years, this was the  attitude
       that  I  had managed to retain as I returned to New York.  Every-
       thing was the same, yet completely different.  What had been per-
       vaded  by  Nihilism  and vacuity only a short time ago, was now a
       pathway of infinite potential and limitless possibility.  For the
       first  time  in  almost  six years I actually felt completely in-
       spired and excited by the possibilities that life in general  and
       Cyberspace in particular had to offer.

       The summer of 1991 was a kind of "class reunion" for many of  us.
       For  the  first  time  in almost half a decade we found ourselves
       back in New York City, the place where all of  this  had  started
       for us such a long time ago.

       What happened was pretty much the expected; an endless stream  of
       jokes  and  self-depreciating  humor regarding who we used to be,
       the three-letter acronyms we used to affiliate with  or  have  in