http:^^www.cs.utexas.edu^users^dastuart^tempjdir^jokes^jokes.html

This data set contains WWW-pages collected from computer science departments of various universities

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those
who make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that the
mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit
and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.
<P>
St. Augustine
<P>
I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch 
of viola jokes.
<P>
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
<P>
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
<P>
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
<P>
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
<P>
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
<P>
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be.  The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, &quot;While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down.&quot;  The violist replied, &quot;You're
kidding!  The conductor came to my house?&quot;
<P>
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor
askes the violist, &quot;What's wrong?&quot;  The violist answers, &quot;The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs.&quot;  The conductor replied, &quot;I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you
crying?&quot;  To which the violist replied, &quot;He won't tell me which one!!&quot;
<P>
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
<P>
Q:  Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?
<P>
A:  I'd love you MORE!
<P>
1.   Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A:   Gifted!
<P>
2.   Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
     A:   Alone.
<P>
4.   Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A:   Artificial intelligence.
<P>
6.   Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
     A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
<P>
7.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just dyed her hair.
<P>
8.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
          blown around too much.
<P>
9.   Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
     A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
<P>
10.  Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
     A:   You can park in the handicap zone.
<P>
12.  Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
     A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.
<P>
13.  Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
     A:   It takes too long to retrain them.
<P>
14.  Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.
<P>
15.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
     A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.
<P>
17.  Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
<P>
18.  Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
<P>
19.  Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
     A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
<P>
20.  Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
     A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
<P>
21.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
          little packages.
<P>
23.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
     A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.
<P>
33.  Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   &quot;I'm *sooo* drunk!&quot;
<P>
34.  Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) &quot;I said: I'm drunk!&quot;
<P>
35.  Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A:   &quot;All the blondes have gone home!&quot;
<P>
36.  Q:   What's a brunette's mating call ?
     A:   Has that blonde gone yet?
<P>
40.  Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
     A:   Toes go in first.
<P>
57.  Q:   What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
     A:   &quot;Thanks for the refill!&quot;
<P>
58.  Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
     A:   Data transfer.
<P>
59.  Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
     A:   Because they don't know any better.
<P>
60.  Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
     A1:  &quot;What's a lightbulb?&quot;
     A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
     A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, &quot;Daaady!&quot;
<P>
61.  Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
     A:   &quot;Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!&quot;
<P>
64.  Q:   What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
     A:   Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
<P>
65.  Q:   What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
     A:   &quot;Are you sure it's mine?&quot;
<P>
69.  Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
          blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. 
          Who picks it up?
     A:   The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
          the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
<P>
70.  Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
     A:   To see what was on the other side.
<P>
71.  Q:   What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
     A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.
<P>
76.  Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
          ground first?
     A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
<P>
77.  Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
     A:   Her IQ goes up!
<P>
82.  Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
     A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.
<P>
97.  Q:   How do you drown a blond?
     A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
<P>
102. Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&amp;M factory?
     A:   Proofreading.
<P>
103. Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&amp;M factory?
     A:   For throwing out the W's.
<P>
106. Q:   What's the Blonde's cheer?
     A:   &quot; I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
          I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...&quot;
<P>
108. Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
     A:   She threw it off a cliff.
<P>
109. Q:   Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
          puzzle in only 6 months?
     A:   Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
<P>
111. Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
     A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.
<P>
117. Q:   Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     A:   They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
<P>
119. Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A:   An interpreter.
<P>
120. Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A:   A mental block.
<P>
121. Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     A:   A wind tunnel.
<P>
126. Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     A:   Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
<P>
131. Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     A:   &quot;Oh look!  Doughnut seeds!&quot;
<P>
135. Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     A:   Spot.
<P>
136. Q:   What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     A:   Air Supply.
<P>
137. Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     A:   The back of her head.
<P>
138. Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's
     A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
<P>
139. Q:   How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
     A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night !
<P>
141. Q:   Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     A:   So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
<P>
149. Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     A:   &quot;Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?&quot;
<P>
153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
     where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
<P>
154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw 
     a sign that said &quot;DISNEYLAND LEFT&quot;. After thinking for a minute,
     she said to herself &quot;oh well !&quot; and turned around an drove home.
<P>
     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
     &quot;CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES&quot;. By the time she drove eight miles, she
     had cleaned 43 restrooms.
<P>
155. How about the suicide blonde,
     she dyed by her own hand.
<P>
156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
     says suddenly, &quot;Awww, look at the dead birdie&quot;. The blonde stops,
     looks up, and says, &quot;Where?&quot;
<P>
157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
     wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
               people were leaving.
<P>
161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
      Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
      Operator: Then what's the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.
<P>
163. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, 
     and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and 
     estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, &quot;I'm going to 
     try to swim to shore.&quot;  So she swam out five miles, and got really 
     tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired 
     to go on, so she drowned.
<P>
     The second one, the redhead, said to herself, &quot;I wonder if she made it.
     I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and 
     starve.&quot; So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead had a lot more 
     endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even 
     got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
<P>
     So the blonde thought to herself, &quot;I wonder if they made it!  I think 
     I'd better try to make it, too.&quot;  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 
     15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
     but she said, &quot;I'm too tired to go on!&quot;  So she swam back.
<P>
165. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
     and said &quot;Oh, look at the deer tracks.&quot;  The other blonde looks
     and says &quot;Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.&quot;  &quot;No.
     Those are deer tracks.&quot; They keep arguing, and arguing, and one 
     half hour later they were both killed by a train.
<P>
167. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
     their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
<P>
     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
<P>
     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
     to rain and the top is down!
<P>
175. Q:	  What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart.
<P>
     A:	  A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.
<P>
181. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
     in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see &quot;Closed for the Winter&quot;.
<P>
182. Q:   What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
     A:   A blonde going through a flashing red light.
<P>
183. Q:   What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
     A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
<P>
191. Q:   How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     A:   She fell out of the tree.
<P>
192. Q:   What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
     A:   An Air Bag
<P>
195. Q:   What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     A:   A thought.
<P>
  Q. What role did Ron Howard have in Star Wars?
  A. Opie Wan Kenobi
<P>
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.  We asked how 
they prepare their chickens.
<P>
The answer was, ``We just tell them they're going to die.''
<P>
   &quot;Well, the last time I saw Robert Maxwell, he seemed quite buoyant...&quot;
<P>
   &quot;I just hope Rupert Murdoch follows in the wake of Robert Maxwell...&quot;
<P>
If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
<P>
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.  If you know how many there are, you don't know where
the lightbulb is.
<P>
Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.  He didn't have to
hear about all of her old boyfriend