http:^^www.cs.utexas.edu^users^dastuart^tempjdir^jokes^jokes.html

This data set contains WWW-pages collected from computer science departments of various universities

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   Wouldn't it turn upside down every 10 words? Silliest story I ever heard of.
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  Come on, what's a story without a few plot twists?
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``They'' reinstalled the news posting program in the department.  Before,
when you posted an article, it said something like:
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``This program posts news to thousands of machines all around the world.
Your message will cost the net hundreds if not thousands of dollars.
Are you sure you want to do this?''
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But *now* it says, and I'm not making this up:
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``This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy.
Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet,
and as a result your species will be sold into slavery.  Be sure you know
what you are doing.''
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Oh my...and since I just posted this, I must appologize to the human race...
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   ``Watership Down:
    You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!''
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In a local college claculus class, the teacher wrote:
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 In an exam the next week, the following answer was seen:
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Here are some potential future works by the prolific author Isaac
Asimov:
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``Asimov's Guide to Auto Repair''
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``Asimov on Upholstery''
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``I, Nintendo''
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``Asimov and the Birth of the Blues''
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``Asimov on Lotus 1-2-3 Version 3.0''
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``The Intelligent Man's Guide to Drywall''
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``Foundation and Norby''
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``Prelude to the End of Eternity''
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``Isaac Asimov Does YOUR Income Taxes''
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``II, Robot''
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``Isaac Asimov's Truly Tasteless Jokes''
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Isaac Asimov presents the Golden Age of Asimov Vol. I
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Isaac Asimov presents the Golden Age of Asimov Vol. II
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Fantastic Voyage III
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The Asimov Guide to TV and VCR Repair
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``Isaac Asimov's Guide to Isaac Asimov's Guides''
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``Robots and Foundation and Empire''
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``Foundation and Earth and some more Robots''
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``Robots, Foundation, Empire and Spam''
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``Spam, Foundation, Earth and Spam''
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``Spam Earth Spam Spam Foundation Robots and Sausage''
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      ``Onion ring to bind them, onion ring to find them,
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       onion ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.''
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                                           Tolkien in a Jack-in-the-Box
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Much of the Miskatonic University's special collection of literature, artwork,  artifacts and specimens may only be studied by certified scholars.  As many     psychiatrists can tell you, getting a Miskatonic scholar certified is rarely    difficult.
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Oh come ON, ``Brock'' is totally letter-sweater Ivy.
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Irene O'Connell, a spunky, vivacious redhead, smiled as Brock Manley,
the dashing blond captain of the lacrosse squad, pulled up in his
jalopy outside the sorority house.  ``Hi Brock!'' she waved.  Brock was
not only handsome, athletic, and a real gentleman, but he was secretly
very sensitive; only Irene had seen the first chapter of his ``novel,''
and she could tell he had a bright future in the writing game.  Plus
he had thews like brick. . . thews.  Irene flushed.  ``Leroy,'' she
called, fanning herself, to the grotesque, aged, mysterious hunchback
who inexplicably served as the sorority's handyman, factotum and
whipping boy, ``please get Mr. Manley and myself an orangeade.''  Little
did she dream that she and Brock would soon be plunged by the
enigmatic Leroy into a whirlpool of macabre and life-threatening
intrigue, suspicion and romance.
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``Hiya, 'Reenie!'' Brock twinkled good-naturedly as he leapt onto the
sun porch.  ``Sure is hot!''
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BROCK.  A name for the nineties.
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Question: What happens when you play a country western song backwards?
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Answer:   Your husband/wife comes back, your children come back, you get
          get your job back....etc. etc. etc.
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bumper stickers for Saddam Hussien:
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``My Army imvaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker''
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``Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can''
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``Shiites happen''
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``Dukakis-Bentsen in '92''
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``If you don't like the way I reignm get out of small, neighboring countries''
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``Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how''
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``If you're righ and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single''
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``If you can read thism you're probably with the 1st Airborne''
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``Bomb me, I need the insurance''
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Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
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DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
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  Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
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DEPT OF HISTORY:
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  All students get the same grade they got last year.
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DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
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  What is a grade?
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                       Women  are  writing
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                S C I E N C E   F I C T I O N !!
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                NEW!EXCITING!!ORIGINAL!!!
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                Women are closer to the primitive 
                than men. They are nearer to the moon-pulls, 
                the earth-tides. They possess a buried 
                memory of humanity's obscure and ancient 
                past that can emerge to uniquely color and
                flavor a novel. Such a woman is Margaret
                St. Clair. Such a novel is this, Sign of
                the Labrys, about a doomed civilization
                saved by recourse to ancient, immemorial rites...
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                FRESH!IMAGINATIVE!!INVENTIVE!!!
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``You wouldn't recognize a <em> subtle plan</em> if it painted itself purple,
and danced naked upon a harpsichord, singing, `Subtle Plans are Here Again'.''
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                        -  Edmund Blackadder
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Top 10 Ways NBC News Can Save Money
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10. Make stuff up.
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5. Sell reruns to A &amp; E.
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4. Limit News coverage to things that happen in the building.
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1. Have Brokaw turn on a portable TV and say ``Let's watch the
CBS News together.''
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Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names.
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7. The Fighting Amish.
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4.  The Ferrets.
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Medical Bad News/Good News:
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The bad news:  Four cups of coffee increase your heart attack risk by 40%.
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The good news:  You don't have to worry about dying in your sleep.
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Soldiers patrolling near Kuwait oil fires are caught between Iraq
and a charred place.
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Millie the White House Dog is on a book tour.  She would have been on the 
Tonight Show, but she's not allowed on the couch.
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``If we increase the size of the penguin until it
is the same height as a man
and then compare the relative brain size,
we know find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point,
it is larger than it WAS!''
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``If you post it, they will flame.'' - The voice from Field of Dreams.
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``Why a spoon?  why not an axe or something?''
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``Because it's *dull*, you idiot!''
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I missed ``A Cray in the Dark.''  Is that about a power blackout at
Lawrence Livermore Lab precipitated by a terrorist invasion and this
Cray on battery backup has to simulate the optimal solution to 
defeating the terrorists?
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I've heard that Seymour's next project
is ``The Abyss II'' where this
scientist immerses a Cray in liquid to cool it more efficiently and
inadvertently creates mutant Cray-fish.  Should be good.
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Politically Correct term for death: Metabolically challenged.
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``Everybody bet lots of money on the eggplant, thinking that if a
vegetable challenges a live animal with four legs to a race, then it
must be that the vegetable knows something.''
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Dave's Wacky Piecharts
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Types of Piecharts:
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48% have 2 colors.
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66% have 3 colors.
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57% don't add  up right.
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Most Dangerous Places to Go on Vacation:
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20% Beirut
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15% Northern Ireland
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65% Kenney Compound
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``Nuke 'em 'til they glow, so you can strafe 'em in the dark.''
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Curtiss E. LeMay (CINCSAC) during Cuban Missile Crisis (?)
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David Letterman, a man who claims to support the idea of lip service.
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Top 10 Reasons CNN Let the Iraqis Use Their Phone
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8. Wanted to call 976-VEIL.
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3. Foreman of ``Baby-milk factory'' needed to order ``pacifiers'' from
Germany.
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Steven Wright is a peripheral visionary, he can see into the future,
but just way off to the side.
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Iraq is additional proof of Vladimir Nabokov's claim that
``portraits of a nation's leader should never exceed the
size of a postage stamp.''
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``This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be hurled
with great force.'' -- Dorothy Parker
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``To call the dialogue wooden is to insult the expressive
potential of a tree stump.'' -- Gerald Jonas,
in his review of Robert L. Forward's Martian
Rainbow in the July 14, 1991 New York Times Book Review
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And, of course, dinosaur civilization ended when one space faring
faction threw a rather large asteroid at another ground slogger faction
in a dispute over equal net access and a split of talk.dinosaurs into
talk.dinosaurs. glorious-space-farers and
talk.dinosaurs.perfidious-mud-sloggers!        -Kent Paul Dolan
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Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk.  The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. ``Simple'', says the clerk, ``if you leave Iraq, no else has to.''
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Movie Titles:
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Dirty Dances With Wolves
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What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
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Pee Wee's Big Adventures In Babysitting
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Marathon Rain Man
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When Dirty Harry Met Sally...
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Nightmare On Wall Street
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Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
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License To Kill A Mockingbird
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The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
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Young Naked Guns
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The Elephant Man With Two Brains
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Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
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Three Men And Rosemary's Baby
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Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
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Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
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2001 Dalmatians
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Smokey And The Time Bandits
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The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
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Terminators Of Endearment
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Godzilla Must Be Crazy!
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