http:^^www.cs.utexas.edu^users^dastuart^tempjdir^jokes^jokes.html

This data set contains WWW-pages collected from computer science departments of various universities

Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order
to make one line.  Repeat randomly four times.  Repeat process again twice
to make chorus.  Repeat last line 17 times.  Don't worry if they don't make
sense.
<P>
Column 1		Column 2		Column 3
<P>
Move it			Triple Beat		The City Streets
Get Up			Body Heat		You'll be Humpin
Pump It Up		Feel the Beat		Before the Night is Over
Get Down		Get Around		Shake your Meat
Shake it		The Joint Is Jumpin	Bustin Loose
Pump the Jam		Feet are Stompin	Disco Heat
<P>
BACKBEAT:
Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time.  Add occasional snare.
<P>
BODY:
Add monotonous bass in one key.  Overlay with puncy sounding synth.  Get
previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range
of the vocal chords.
<P>
PRODUCTION:
Put above ingredients together on master tape.  Press discs.  Give the label
a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like ``Mixmastermeatbeaters''.  Sell 5
million copies to unsuspecting public.  Win MTV Award.
<P>
The sad thing is the public will *think* you've been creative...
<P>
Better still, this process can be automated via a lyric C program, a random 
synth base and music generator, and the discs mastered directly by computer
control.
<P>
This relieves the composer of decisions regarding which phrases and notes
to use in production.  By pressing the &lt;RET&gt; key, more than 100 CD's a week
can be generated.
<P>
This I have done, below is a sample composition guaranteed to make megabucks:
<P>
-----
``Get down'' by Mixmastermeatbeaters
<P>
Get down the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin'
Shake it feet are stompin' in the city streets
Pump the jam feel the beat with disco heat
Move it get around 'til the night is over
<P>
(chorus)
Get down to triple beat shake your meat
Pump it up get around in the city streets
<P>
Pump the jam to triple beat you'll be humpin'
Shake it get body heat 'til the night is over
Get up the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin'
Pump it up feet are stompin' I'm bustin loose
<P>
(chorus)
Get down to triple beat shake your meat
Pump it up get around in the city streets
<P>
Pump it up get around in the city streets
Pump it up get around in the city streets
Pump it up get around in the city streets
etc..
-----
<P>
Note that this is indistinguishable from the human generated version.
<P>
For those who wish to compose themselves, the program appears in the next
posting.  I hope for a cut in the royalties :-)
<P>
The heaviest element known to science was discovered at the Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory.  The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATUM
(Ad), has no protons or electrons.  Thus it has the atomic number 0.  It
does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 125 deputy associate
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons.  The 312 particles are held
together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called memons.
<P>
Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATUM is inert.  Nevertheless, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it
takes part.  According to Dr. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element,
a very small amount of ADMINISTRATUM made one reaction that normally takes
less than a second, take over four days to go to completion.
<P>
ADMINISTRATUM has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it
does not actually decay.  Instead, it undergoes an internal reorganization in
which associates to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and
assistant deputy associate neutrons all exchange places.  Some studies have
indicated that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
<P>
An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled 
 ``Advice for Young Mothers''  from the local library.
<P>
Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?
<P>
Little girl: I collect moths.
<P>
There has been criticism of the government for not anticipating
the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.  For the future use of diplomats here
are three warning signs of possible invasion.
<P>
1)  Many men in uniform with guns mass along the border of a country.
<P>
2) The leader of that country has a mustache.
<P>
3) The man with the mustache makes speeches about how the
neighboring country has really belonged to his for hundreds of years.
<P>
The front cover of the magazine Private Eye in the UK recently
had a photograph of Saddam Hussein saying,
<P>
``... and if anyone else compares me to Hitler, I'll gas them.''
<P>
Sadaam Hussein assumed the Presidency of Iraq by killing his
predecessor.  His predecessor did the same.  Obviously in Iraq
they have a ``one bullet, one vote'' system.
<P>
In a recent news conference, President Bush was asked how long he thought
the Middle East crisis would last.  Bush replied, ``As long as you remember
the S&amp;L crisis.''
<P>
Duct tape is like the FORCE!  It has a light side and a
dark side and holds the universe together.
<P>
``Rushdie'' comes
from an ancient Sanskrit dialect and means one who is in a hurry to die.
<P>
        ``Remember, once you pull the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer
         your friend!''
                        - Phoenix Command Small Arms Combat System
<P>
     Kirk: ``Bones! This man is bleeding! Help him!''
<P>
     Bones: ``Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a...wait a minute, 
             maybe I can help this man.''
<P>
 Mary had a little lamb.
 Her gynacologist had a stroke.
<P>
 Other statistically unsound shortcuts I use for avoiding dreck:
<P>
  o  If the book is part of a series (and what isn't, these days?)
     then the more pretentious and long-winded the series name is,
     the less likely I am to examine the book (e.g., ``First in the
     Epic Rolfe ThrogsNeck-Bridge of of Des Moine, Iowa, Saga'').
<P>
  o  If the name of the actual author either doesn't appear at all on
     the cover, or is in smaller print than the name of some other
     author who didn't have much or anything to do with writing the
     book, flush it.  Likewise, if the cover says something like ``A
     &lt;fill in the name&gt; Production'' (like, who the hell is Bill
     Fawcett, anyway?).
<P>
  o  If the blurb appears to be from somewhere in the left-field
     bleachers, forget it (e.g., William Shatner's endorsement on the
     cover of the novelization of ``Voice of the Planet'').
<P>
  o  And -- and I know that this one is really problematical -- if
     I look at the front cover, the back cover and the inside front
     blurb pages and I see a zillion endorsements from other authors
     and/or clips from favorable reviews, but nothing at all about
     what the book itself is actually about, I generally pitch it
     on the grounds of a deeply felt moral conviction that the
     publisher is under an obligation to at least give me some sort
     of clue...
<P>
	I can't be too critical on cover blurb hunters.  I usually go by 
authors and then by friends' suggestions (I'm fortunate enough to have lots
of friends who say, ``You haven't read  Bulgi of the Zuccini People ?  You 
heathen!'').
	As for blurbs, I've gotten a good indication of what they mean by 
looking at several books.  Each author's blurb usually means more or less  
the same thing.  For example:
<P>
Steven King -- ``Mort Bloodsucker is the NEW master of horror!  Remember, it's 
Mort Bloodsucker, not Steven King, Mort Bloodsucker.  Keep that in mind, and 
maybe, for once, I can appear on a magazine cover without being photographed in
a dark room with a flashlight shining up my fucking neck.''
<P>
Isaac Asimov -- `` The Toad Returns  is a wonderful book.  Well, really, I 
haven't read it, but the guy who wrote it is polite enough, and I think he's 
my publisher's nephew.''
<P>
Spider Robinson -- [I have no idea what a Spider Robinson review means.  How an 
intelligent man, skilled writer, and reliable critic can say that Craig Shaw 
Gardner is a good writer is beyond me.]
<P>
Roger Zelazny -- ``This book is'' [pause, checks random adjective generator] 
``engrossing.''
<P>
Ursula K. LeGuin -- ``He (or she) writes a lot like I do.''
<P>
Anne McCaffrey: Kitchen Maids of Pern
<P>
Bitsella is just a lowly kitchen drudge until she discovers that her green
firelizard has the ability to vibrate her wings at *just* the right frequency
to cause dirt to fall off of pots and pans -- a discovery that leads to
adventure and romance.
<P>
Gordon R Dickson, David Drake, Jerry Pournelle:  Time Mercenaries I
<P>
Beginning a new shared-world series about the galaxy's toughest mercenaries.
Only these superbly trained and lavishly equipped specialists are allowed to
travel back in time to adjust the time-flow by eliminating historically-
important armies.  In this first adventure they travel back to the fifteenth
century in an attempt to eliminate the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
<P>
Harlan Ellison and Philip Jose Farmer: A Few More Dangerous Visions
<P>
Working with a couple of dozen co-authors is a sure way to fall behind 
schedule, as Harlan Ellison has discovered.  Now, with the aid of Philip
Jose Farmer, who has had more experience at this, he turns to coauthoring
stories with writers who are dead, and hence much easier to work with.
<P>
Jack Chalker: Out of Body
<P>
In a radical departure, science fiction author Jack Chalker turns to fantasy
in this new series.  The city of Wallawash is ruled by an incorporeal elite:
a race of symbionts capable of possessing and modifying a human body.  But
now some humans are finding themselves *dispossessed*, their consciousness
transfered to other bodies.
<P>
David Eddings: The Anacreon
<P>
The Dark Prophecy has been defeated, the two stones have been merged into a
single crystal, and the Child of Darkness has been rescued.  But a newly-
discovered prophecy reveals that the Dark Prophecy will have one more chance.
Indeed, before it can be prevented, it strikes from the Afterlife, stealing
the Crystal.  To recover it, Belgarion must lead a party to Heaven (maps of
which are provided in the book).
<P>
Well, go ahead and call me a dweeb, but I find blurbs very helpful
in choosing which new SF books to buy.  However, they need a certain
kind of reading...
<P>
For instance, here's a typical account of an expedition to the local
WaldenDeadTrees in search of mindless escapism:
<P>
[Hmm, what's new this week.  Ah, here's one]
<P>
	The Dark Lord Returns
<P>
	Thousands of years ago, the Wise bound the Dark Lord under
Mount Dormor and set the Seven Wardstones to guard him.  But the old
magic has long gone, the wards are failing, and evil powers are again
abroad in the world.  In this time of crisis, all the free peoples -
elves, dwarves, men, even the little furry-footed halfwits - must
band together...
<P>
[Wait a minute, I read that wrong, somewhere.  Back up a bit]
<P>
	...even the little furry-footed halbwirs - must band together...
<P>
[Well, cute I suppose, but the first reading was better after all]
<P>
	... and defend the West from the return of Lord Grimmoire.
Thus begins a magnificent new fantasy trilogy, in the great tradition...
<P>
[Oh, dear, that's two of the dreaded T-words, brace yourself for the
 big one, Robert]
<P>
	... of Donaldson and T*LK**N...
<P>
[Aaargh! there it is.  Drop book immediately, wipe green slime from
 fingers, and press on... Now, how about this one...]
<P>
	Things Will Get Rather Nasty
	Book Five: Eridani Encounter
<P>
	The human race had long since beaten its swords into
plowshares, and war was an ugly memory.  But then, when the first
starships tunneled through infraspace, they found that the rest
of the Universe wasn't so nice.  Suddenly, the Terrans had to
reinvent soldiers, strategy and spam all over again, and in a
big hurry, before the aliens found them.
<P>
The earlier books told how Captain Grunt pulled together an
assorted gang of criminals, misfits and rebels, and created
Earth's first fighting force.  Now they are exploring the
limits of known space, when suddenly they encounter an awesome
battlecruiser of unknown origin and intentions...
<P>
[Yawn.  Another piece of badly-written soft-core machiography
 from Dave Duck and Co.  Can this tripe and press on.  Hey,
 here's a new one ... great-looking cover, too...]
<P>
	Oath of the Sword
<P>
	Since her mother's death three years before, sixteen-year-old
Hissyfit had managed the castle all by herself - although the Duke,
her father, never seemed to notice.  But only her supervision got
the tapestries mended, the lamps trimmed, the huge meals served to
the noble guests in the Great Hall, the pools of vomit cleaned up
the next day.  And after all, isn't that what a girl is supposed to
do?  And, after her father marries her off to some convenient local
landowner, won't she do just the same in her own castle?
<P>
So why does she dream about running away, and feel strange urges
to steal her grandfather's ugly black sword, dress in low-cut chain
mail, and ride around the countryside hacking people into small
pieces?  What is wrong with her, anyway?
<P>
Then her orderly life changes, when she meets Eggnog, who is one of
the famous Messengers of Maldemer, and is tall, handsome, saturnine,
dark-haired, limpid-brown-eyed, and *frightfully* good in bed, and
who rides the intelligent telepathic horse Stomper, who is tall,
handsome, limpid-brown-eyed, - and no, the story doesn't get that
kinky, but stay tuned for the sequel, girls, because You Never Know...
<P>
[Oh, dear.  No way will I pay $4.95 (plus tax) for this rubbish.
 Instead, I'll show it to my teenage daughter, let HER spend $4.95
 (plus tax), and then borrow it...  Guess that's it for now... Wait!
 there's one more, down on the bottom shelf...]
<P>
	Flight from Freedonia
<P>
	Jack Kvetch was just an ordinary, incompetent small-town
reporter who drank too much and wrote too little.  Then he fell
through the strange disk of light that appeared behind his favorite
topless bar.  So how did he get here, in a stolen airship heading
West, with the garrulous Fu Tseng, sacked Court Poet of the King
of Hawaii, and the dizzy nymphet who might, or might not, be the
Grand Duchess of Russian America?  And behind him somewhere are the
secret police of Emperor Hamilton VI, who would like to get their
hands on his marvellous .45 revolver, and on as much as he knows of
the alien technology that produced it.  And where are the rebel
Jeffersonians, and what will *they* want from him?
<P>
[Wow, a new parallel-worlds yarn from Hank Turtleneck!  Feeding Frenzy!!]
<P>
Of course, your tastes and mileage may differ, but I find blurbs almost
as much fun as many books.
<P>
Moebius Story
<P>
  It consists of the phrase ``once upon a
  time '' on one side of a strip of paper and ``there was a story which
  began'' on the other side, and the instruction to cut the strip out,
  give it a half twist, and tape the ends together