http:^^www.cs.utexas.edu^users^dastuart^tempjdir^jokes^jokes.html

This data set contains WWW-pages collected from computer science departments of various universities

                                 8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
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                                 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
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                                 6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel 
                                    Dog
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                                 5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt
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                                 4. Carlos the Jackal
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                                 3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
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                                 2. The Moose in the Burnoose
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                                 1. Really Looney Tunes
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                                           -- Late Night with David Letterman
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William Shatner:  ``My space, the final frontier.  These are my
voyages on the Starship Enterprise.  My five year miss..er..three
season missi..my five movie mission:  To abhor strange, new worlds; to
seek out nude life, and nude civilizations;  to baldly go where no ego
has gone before!''
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``Mnementh Express-- when it absolutely, positively has to be there in the
time it takes to cough thrice''
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Ramoth Express -- When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday.
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Oldtimer Express -- When it absolutely, positively has to be there in four
hundred years
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Firelizard Express -- When you're just not sure when it's due.
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  If ending a sentence with a preposition bothers you, take this:
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    Why did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?
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referee's report on the Bible
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 In this work, the main author (God) gives a construction of the
universe, and establishes some of its metaphysical properties.
He refutes certain propositions claimed by Beelzebub (Proc. Hades
Philos. Soc. 4004 B.C.) while at the same time placing the work
of his colleague Christ in proper context. In the final section
certain conjectures are made as to the nature of future research.
I recommend publication, subject to certain revisions in the
early part, where some unnecessary duplication appears to have
taken place (cf. Kings and Chronicles).
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A man walks into an auto parts store and says
``I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo.''
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The man behind the counter thinks about this for
a while, then says ``Yup, seems like a fair trade to
me.''
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``It has long been known...''
	I didn't bother to look up the original references.
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``A definite trend is evident...''
	These data are practically meaningless....
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``Of great theoretical and practical importance...''
	Interesting to me.
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``While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to 
these questions....''
	An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it
	published.
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``Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study...''
	The results of the other didn't make any sense.
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``Typical results are shown...''
	The best results are shown.
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``These results will be shown in a subsequent report...''
	I might get around to this if I'm pushed.
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``It is believed that...''
	I think.
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``It is generally believed that...''
	A couple of other guys think so, too.
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``It is clear that much additional work will be required before 
a complete understanding of the phenomena occurs...''
	I don't understand it, nobody else could explain it
	to me, but it should produce quite few publications.
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``Correct within the limits of experimental accuracy...''
	Wrong. I fitted the curve to the best known experimental
	results.
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``It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation
	in this field...''
	This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others
	on this miserable topic.
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``A careful analysis of the obtainable data...''
	Three pages of the notes were obliterated when I knocked over
	a glass of beer.
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  A Texan was showing a tourist San Antonio.  ``Over there, you will find the
Alamo, where 180 BRAVE Texans held off 20,000 Mexican troops for 8 days.  And
over there, you will find a statue of a Texas Ranger.  He was directly
responsible for the apprehension of over 40 outlaws and singlehandedly broke
up four riots. And over there...''
  ``Well, I'm from Boston,'' the tourist interrupted, ``and we have our heros
there, too.  Take Paul Revere for instance...''
  ``Paul Revere?!'' snorted the Texan, ``You mean that guy who had to ride for
help?''
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Mommy, mommy, what's a werewolf?
Shut up, Johnnny, and comb your face before school.
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Mummy, Mummy, I love Daddy!
Shut up - you've had three helpings already!
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Q: How does Santa get all of his deliveries done in one night?
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A: Rudolf the red shift reindeer.
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	A while ago I saw a posting here about User Hostile hardware/software.
This is NOT a reposting.  I just happened to develop this after I wrote my
first user-hostile (real) LISP program.  I would like to acknowledge the help
of Eric Hollander who contributed some ideas.
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	I would also like to note that none of this is based on my experience
with the Apollo HP's that our OCF (Open Computing Facility) received as a
donation from HP.  In my opinion, Apollos are the greatest workstations
around.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with them (Honest!!!).  I think we
truly got our money's worth.
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			USER HOSTILE
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	R&amp;R Software yesterday announced the introduction of a new concept in
software/hardware development:  User Hostility.  Among their new
developments:
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A) The Attack Mouse (tm):  Basically, the only difference between other
commercial mouse systems and this one is that the Attack Mouse transmits a 220
Volt current to the user at random intervals.
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B) Numerical Commands:  All commands in R&amp;R Operating Systems will be
numerical.  'ls' for example, will be '000539.' Flags will be designated as
decimals, so, for instance, 'ls -sFta' will be '000539.497387292100'.  Each
flag will be 3 decimal spaces long.
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C) Recursive manual pages:  R&amp;R announced that their manual pages will be
recursive.  As a typical example, the manual page for ls will be:
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LS(1)				R&amp;R					LS(1)
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NAME
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	000539 - list contents of directory
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SYNOPSIS
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	See 'man 000539'
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DESCRIPTION
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	See 'man 000539'
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D) Longer manual pages:  With the exception of Recursive Manual Pages (tm),
manual pages installed on R&amp;R machines will be approximately 120Kb long.  This
will lead, an R&amp;R representative predicted, to the gravitation of the
utilization of their machines to users who are ``Trully dedicated to the task
of deciphering cryptic manual pages.''
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E) Sponteneous Password changes:  In R&amp;R's multi-user systems (VAX's and
workstations), passwords will be changed automatically by the machine every 7
days.  This, said an R&amp;R representative, will ultimately lead to the
Continuous Password (tm), that will change automatically whenever a command is entered.
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F) Cruciality-Based Crashing:  The new R&amp;R workstations will feature a device
that will measure how important the task being done is to its owner, and how
crucial it is that it be finished within a certain period of time.  Whenever
the importance/crucialityrating of the total tasks being performed on the 
workstation passes a certain point (randomly selected by the machine), the
machine will automaticaly crash.
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G) User-Hostile Software and Operating Systems:  R&amp;R plans many developments
in this area, including:
   1)  A standard error message (i.e.  RTFM Asshole!!)
   2)  Humiliation Software:  Where, upon choosing different options, the user
       is humiliated by the software (i.e. ``You're a loser--a disgrace to your 
       country'' in case a user wishes to exit a program).
   3)  Utilization of racial slurs.
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H) Sponteneous deletion of all files:  If a certain user does not log on
within 7 days of the last logoff, that user is assumed to have died and all of
his/her files will be deleted.  In addition, any attempt to login as that user
will be treated as an impersonation, and the machine will utilize a 2000 Volt
electric current to discourage further attempts.
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I) Fake Mail:  The machines will randomly generate easily-detected fake mail
from various users addressed to root.  R&amp;R assures us, though, that the
machines will also automatically correct the problem by turning off those
users accounts for suspicion of sending fake mail.
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	Overall, this new generation of software/hardware promises to be a
giant leap backwards to the days of IBM.
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What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the
road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?  The are skid
marks in front of the skunk!
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?  A doberman.
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What do you call 2000 attorneys chained to the bottom of the sea? 
A good start.
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How can you tell if your lawyer is lying?  His lips are moving.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?  The cats keep trying to bury
them.
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A lawyer was asked if he wanted to become a Jehovah's Witness.  He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident but would still be
interested in taking the case.
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Why does California have more lawyers than New Jersey has toxic
waste dumps?  New Jersey had first choice.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and two attorneys in a
Porsche?  With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
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Standing around the grave of a departed friend are an
anthropologist, and doctor, and a lawyer.
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When the eulogies are over, the anthropologist suggests that they
all put some money in the coffin, as is the custom of some ancient
tribes she has been studying.
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The anthropologist pulls out a $100 bill and deposits it in the
coffin.  Not to be outdone, the doctor also pulls out a $100 bill
and lays it in the coffin.
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The lawyer writes a check for $300, puts it in the coffin, and
removes the $200 cash.
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And then there's the lawyer who, when stepping in cow shit,
thought he was melting.
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Reprinted from ``The Purdue Eudaemonist'', without permission.
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                     Similar to those books ...
                         Seen On TV!                   LOW
                                                       LIFE
                                                       BOOKS
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                    Announcing, from Low-Life Books,
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                      MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN
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This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary
explanations to events which lie entirely within ordinary reality.
Just listen to some of the stories described within ...
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o  In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York
has just received a phone call bringing terrible news.  She places a
frantic, long distance call ... and *the line is busy*.
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE
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o  A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force.
They report hearing ``wow, like, really freaky noises, man.''
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS ``BAD'' ACID
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o  As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the
night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS
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o  In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt
of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.  
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY
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We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete
fabrications.  Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book,
``THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT.''  After that, you'll receive one
book per month.  If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds
for a full refund.  Many exciting titles await, from ``SPOOKY NOISES'' to
``HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM ANOTHER PLANET.''
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each book is$89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of
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ONLY$8.99 EACH!!
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(The PBS ``American Masters'' series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)
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Haig offerred Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars.  Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.
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Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger.  Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US.  Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US.  ``How did he get that accent?'' asked Sahl.  Haig
replied, ``From never listening to anybody.''
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Made this one up during my morning commute:
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A license plate for a VW Bug:
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	FEATURE
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Through some clever security hole manipulation if I have been able to
break into all of the government's computers and acquire the Lisp code
to SDI. Here is the last page (tail -10) of it to prove that I actually
have the code:
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How To Write a Rap / House(glorified disco) / Disco Song
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LYRICS: