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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3O//DTD W3 HTML 2.0//EN"><!Converted with LaTeX2HTML 95.1 (Fri Jan 20 1995) by Nikos Drakos (nikos@cbl.leeds.ac.uk), CBLU, University of Leeds ><HEAD><TITLE>No Title</TITLE></HEAD><BODY><meta name="description" value="No Title"><meta name="keywords" value="jokes"><meta name="resource-type" value="document"><meta name="distribution" value="global"><P> <BR> <HR><!WA0><A NAME=tex2html1 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html"><!WA1><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="next" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/next_motif.gif"></A> <!WA2><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="up" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/up_motif_gr.gif"> <!WA3><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="previous" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/previous_motif_gr.gif"> <BR><B> Next:</B> <!WA4><A NAME=tex2html2 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html"> About this document </A><BR> <HR> <P> Dan Quayle is on the cover of the new Ripley's Believe It Or Not.<P>Tommy Lasorda is on anabolic pasta.<P>There was a meltdown at the nuclear power plant in Valparaiso. Theresult was Chili con Carnage.<P>The Southern version of the ``Just Say No'' campaign: ``Y'all Quit''.<P>I watched a boring Buddy Ebsen/Robert Redford movie on TV last night,but it turned out to be the Vice-Presidential debate.<P>The Massachusetts Miracle: Someone found a live fish in Boston Harbor.<P>More news about Bryant Gumbel. His ego has applied for statehood. Ifgranted, it would be the ninth largest.<P>Young Guns: Five actors who are sons of Martin Sheen, all with differentlast names.<P>The queen, the prince and the count of a small country, conspired togain control of the throne by assinating the King. The count wassent into the Kings chamber one night and told to murder himwhile he was sleeping.The count, who was not very intelligent, slipped up and was caughtred handed in his attempt. The King knew very well that this man wasincapable of pulling this assination off by himself so he demanded, ``Tellme who is conspiring against me or I will have your head.'' Thecount stayed silent.The King rounded up the executioner and took the count down to thechopping block. The King said, ``I'll give you one last chance.Tell me who was in the conspiracy and I will spare your life.'' Thecount refused to speak.The King gave the signal to the excutioner and just as the axe wasbeing raised the count said, ``Wait, wait, I'll talk!'' But it was tolate. The executioner droped his axe and the count died.The King, fuming mad screemed at the executioner, ``You fool! Howmany times have I told you never to hatchet you counts befor theychicken!''<P>Top 10 Things Overheard at the Panamanian Elections.<P>10. ``Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the drug traffic.''<P>9. ``A puppet government? The kids should enjoy that.''<P>8. ``We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election boys -- Jimmy Carter is here!''<P>7. ``Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?''<P>6. ``How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?''<P>5. ``With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner.''<P>4. ``The guy who played Ringo looked just like him. '' (Sorry, that was heard at the Beatlmania concert, not the Panamanian election.)<P>3. ``Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having really big ELECTIONS down here.''<P>2. ``Congratulations! You chose Pepsi.''<P>1. ``A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!''<P>How many free-market economists does it take to change a lightbulb?- None - the invisible hand of the marketplace will take care of itWhen will this happen?- when somebody gets tired enough of sitting in the dark<P> How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?<P> None, it's a hardware problem!<P>Wales suffers from a lack of vowels. All the time you see signs like this:<P>LLWLLDLCNDLWLDLLWLDLLDWLDLWLC - 4 km<P>It's tragic to listen to Welsh mothers teaching their childrentraditional songs like ``Old MacDonald Had A Farm'' and lapsinginto heart-rending silence when they get to the ``E I E I O'' bit.<P>If any of you have surplus vowels, please send them to your localVFW (Vowels For Wales) office.<P>nt!mcrsft!grgj(already sent mine in!)(the above concept courtesy of Dave Barry, some syndicate or other)<P> ``Have you ever been to Wales, Baldric'' ``No, but I've often thought I'd like to.'' ``Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roamthe valleys, terrifying people with their close-harmony singing. You need halfa pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never askfor directions in Wales, Baldric. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for afortnight.'' -- Baldric and Blackadder Blackadder III<P> An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in theirrooms when the building catches fire. The engineer wakes up, smellingsmoke. He runs to the bathroom and fills the wastebasket with water anddouses the flames, soaking the immediate area.<P> The physicist wakes up, smelling smoke. He grabs his calculator anddoes a series of rapid calculations. He then runs to the bathroom andgets exactly the right amount of water to douse the flames without gettinganything else wet.<P> The mathematician wakes up smelling smoke. He walks into the bathroomand fills a paper cup with water. He then lights a match and pours thewater over it. He then exclaims ``A solution exists!'', and goes back to bed.<P> A Mathematician, a Chemist, a Physicist, and an Engineer were all asked the question: ``Are all odd numbers other than 1 prime?''<P> Mathematician: ``Well, 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Nine? Nine isn't prime. Counterexample!''<P> Chemist: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Nine? Er, ah, um, 9 is experimental error...''<P> Physicist: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Well, they must all be prime...''<P> Engineer: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime...''<P>Computer programer: `` 3 is a prime. 3 is a prime. 3 is a prime. 3 is a prime. ''<P>Biologist: ``what is a prime anyway?''.<P>Mathematician: `` 3 is a prime. 5 is a prime. 7 is a prime and the rest will be learned by induction.''<P>It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were alltravelling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.<P>Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.Stalin got up. ``I'll take care of this.''He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.He came back into the compartment and sat back down.``That should take care of it.''<P>Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.Khrushchev got up. ``I'll take care of this.''He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on thetrain again. He came back into the compartment and sat down.``That should take care of it.''<P>Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.<P>Nothing more happened for about an hour.Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.<P>``Now. Train is moving.''<P>tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.<P>yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.<P>recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.<P>porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words ``Putrid'', ``hORRId'' and ``sluDGE''.<P>preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.<P>oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.<P>microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.<P>calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.<P>arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.<P>David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:<P>10. We've got oil to spare.<P>9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.<P>8. Anybody got a tissue?<P>7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.<P>6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.<P>5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.<P>4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.<P>3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.<P>2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.<P>1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!<P> The government has called off martial law in China. They have nowestablished Peter Marshall law. They will ask the students severalquestions and if they don't answer correctly, the government gets thesquare.<P>Definitely *not* seen on the streets in Tehran:<P> ``A friend of mine went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud''.<P>Comment on Lethal Weapon 2 :<P>1. Of all the major events in the movie, virtually *none* of them could possibly have taken place in or near the City of Los Angeles, the State of California, the United States of America, or the planet Earth in or near the year AD 1989.<P>Q: What's big and gray and puts out forest fires?<P>A: Smokey the Elephant.<P>Q: What's gray, has a long trunk, and weighs 3 pounds?<P>A: A very thin elephant.<P>Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?<P>A: By painting its toenails red.<P>Q: How can you tell elephants from blueberries?<P>A: Elephants are gray, blueberries are blue.<P>Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?<P>A: HERE COME THE ELEPHANTS!<P>Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?<P>A: HERE COME THE BLUEBERRIES! (She was color blind.)<P>Several hundred years ago in North America, there lived a tribe of Native Americans. It so happened that three young squaws of the tribefound themselves expecting children. It was their tradition thatthe first surface touched by a new born baby should be that of an animalskin procured for the occasion. And so it happened that the three youngbucks responsible went out on a hunt for birthing skins for their squaws.<P>A few days later, the three men returned after a successful hunt withtheir birthing skins and food for the tribe. The first buck had baggeda deer, and the second had killed a bear. The third buck had spotted ahuge animal swimming in a river, and harvested a rare American hippopotamus.<P>More time passed, and the blessed events came, all at the same time. Thethree squaws prepared to give birth. The first squaw gave birth to ababy boy on the deer skin. The second squaw gave birth to a baby girlon the bear skin. The third squaw gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl,on the hippopotamus skin.<P>And so even in ancient America they knew that ... The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.<P>The Ayatollah's Top Ten Reasons to Live(Late Night With David Letterman - May 25, 1989)<P>10. Chance to watch Ayatollah, Jr. pitch for little league team.<P> 9. Basement full of unused bombs.<P> 8. Ed McMahon told him he might already be a winner!<P> 7. Just got HBO.<P> 6. Figures if he lives long enough, they'll probably give him an honorary Oscar.<P> 5. Wants to see that Rob Lowe video.<P> 4. Ruthless and insane successor may not be ruthless and insane enough.<P> 3. Tomorrow on Letterman: Zorba -- the world's largest dog.<P> 2. Still hoping Sinatra will reunite him and Salman Rushdie.<P> 1. Hell is booked through Labor Day.<P> TOP 10 CARTOON SHOWS IN IRAN<P> 10. Ayatollah Turtle<P> 9. Scooby Abu Nidal<P>⌨️ 快捷键说明
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