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<title> Reading </title>

<h2> Top 5 Reasons You Never Want To Visit Reading </h2>

<dl>

<dt> <strong> You'd be in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. </strong>

<dd> Berks County, Pennsylvania, is considered an outlying part of
<em>Pennsylvania Dutch Country</em>, which consists roughly of the
counties of Berks, Lebanon (pronounced ``Leb'nin''), and Lancaster,
with its center in Lancaster County.  The Pennsylvania Dutch aren't
really Dutch at all; in fact they claim to be of German descent, but
the species has mutated to such a degree that the Germans really don't
want them either.  For lack of a better term, we refer to these beings
as ``Dutchies.''

<p>

<dt> <strong> There is only one `waul' in Dutchy. </strong>

<dd> Dutchies speak a language entirely their own.  It is possible
that it may have evolved from English: a lucky English speaker is
occasionally able to catch one out of every hundred or so words a
Dutchy speaks.  In any case, this language consists of a number of
consonant sounds and one vowel phoneme, which can be written /au/.
For example, the word `house' in English would be rendered `haus' in
Dutchy.  It is impossible, really, to describe how this word is
pronounced: saying `hoss' while trying to swallow your larynx is
perhaps a close approximation.

<p>

One other distinctive characteristic of Dutchy speech is the
consistent transposition of the phonemes /v/ and /w/.  (This
phenomenon is reputed to be the result of a particularly gruesome
accident involving a Volkswagon Beetle and a dyslexic farmer.)  For
example, I once overheard the manager of the produce department--our
local grocery store is called `Weavers' (pronounced `Veewaus'), and is
run by a food distribution company called (and I am not making this
up) `Shur Fine'--I heard her say something about ``putting up diwiders
betveen the wegetables'' so that they vouldn't get wexed.  Apparently
the wegetables vere grexing.  One can understand vhy this vould be
upsetting.

<p>

<dt> <strong> Don't even think about trying to find a good pizza.
</strong>

<dd> The food that is eaten in Reading isn't quite like the food that
people eat everywhere else.  Dutchies don't have any appreciation for
good food, like pizza: I've seen four pizza places in the exact same
location go in and out of business one right after another.  But you
can take comfort in the fact that although it is impossible to get
real pizza in Berks County, you'll never find a better chicken
barbecue.  This favorite food of the true traditional Dutchy is an
<em> entire </em> chicken (or a pig for some of the larger
representatives of the Dutchy species), roasted over a fire and eaten
whole:  bones, entrails, and all.

<p>

One thing at which Berks Countians excel in making, however, is
donuts.  But they don't just make donuts--they've introduced an
improved food variety all their own, called ``faustnauchts.''  (You're
not saying this right unless you blow chunks of your windpipe all over
the place.)  Faustnaucht is the Dutchy word for ``concentrated
deep-fried nutrition product.''  A few hundred years ago one Dutchy
fellow named Jesus (pronounced `Cheesaus') fed five thousand people
with just five faustnauchts and a couple of barbecued chickens.  I
have personally seen grown adults actually explode after eating half a
faustnaucht.  My dad puts faustnauchts in the trunk of his car during
the vinter to give him better traction in the snow.

<p>

<dt> <strong> There is only one highway through Berks County.
</strong>

<dd> Even if you actually <em> wanted </em> to visit Reading, it turns
out that it is not really possible.  There is only one highway that
runs through Berks County.  It runs from west to east, from Leb'nin
County to Schuykill County.  If you want to go north or south in Berks
County, you're just plain out of luck.  It's actually easier to drive
through Maryland if you want to go from, say, Harrisburg to
Philadelphia.

<p>

And perhaps ``highway'' isn't really the right word to describe Berks
County's only road.  Most highways don't have traffic lights every
hundred yards for the entire length of the road, from one end of the
county to the other.

</dl>

<hr>

Disclaimer: The opinions of this author were not even expressed in the
above document.  Any mention of fictitious persons, real or otherwise,
was not meant to reflect upon the character of the character upon whom
it was meant to reflect.  In short, the author does not wish to be
held responsible for any of the above, which he swears he did not even
write.

<hr>

<address> [e-mail] </address>