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Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 14:58:52 GMTServer: NCSA/1.4.2Content-type: text/htmlLast-modified: Mon, 02 Dec 1996 02:33:27 GMTContent-length: 41764<html><head> <title> Observations on Fatherhood </title> </head><body><b>Observations on Fatherhood </b><p>Daniel S. Weld<p> Anxious waiting broken by the expected phone call. Margaret's voiceunexpectedly coy - she's hiding good news! Absolutely unbelievable. We rushto the fountain and hug in the sun, gazing into each others face,surrounded by spring, ducks and the Mountain. She recounts Nancy Klein'swords on the phone "We did it!" Could this be happening to us? Could thisactually be real? Realizing the odds, but unable to hold back a vision ofnew life. Loving each other. I've never been happier.<p>After two months of helping Margaret through bedrest, fearing prematuredelivery, the expected induction was almost surreal. But when they brokeMargaret's waters, and she was launched into the rapids of labor, thetempest was pretty shocking to watch. Contractions were back-to-back withno time to rest or recuperate. Fortunately, Margaret dilated quickly andafter a mere two agonizing hours, her pleas for an epidural were granted.Now I'd heard from multiple sources that this form of pain relief hadalmost magical power. In fact one friend had such gratitude for heranesthesiologist, a man named Hans, that she would have bestowed the nameon her child if she hadn't gotten a daughter. Before helping Margaretthrough labor, I thought this story apocryphal, but now I know better. Ifher anesthesiologist hadn't been a woman, I imagine that Margaret mighthave argued we switch our choices as well. <p>The delivery itself was amazing. Adam and Galen entered the world just 9minutes apart as witnessed by about fourteen doctors and nurses. I did whatI could, but even without me Margaret had a full squad of cheerleaders.Good thing too - I just couldn't keep a straight face while saying "What<b>good</b> pushes!" but Tanya and the nurses sounded so sincere. When Adamemerged at 2:43pm on 10/22/95 (my Mom's birthday!), he was so small andhelpless. It's impossible to describe his first tiny cry. Galen almostswam out, riding the water slide of his breaking amniotic sac (Tanyacouldn't jump back and so got soaked). I'm so happy for the videotapebecause it all happened so fast. <p><p> <hr> <p> <img src="http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/weld/photos/boys/dan+adam.jpeg" ALIGN=right>The next two weeks were frustrating. I had planned to take uninterruptedtime off from work, but given that the boys had to stay at Swedishhospital, there was little for me to do. It made more sense for me to workso I could take time off when they came home. But of course I wanted tovisit at night, so my schedule revolved around the bus trip to Swedish andmy brief chance to feed and change them. A tiny amount of contact for 5-7hours of travel/hospital time each day, but the contact was amazing. <p>I gather that many couples have an emotional homecoming with their child.The homecoming was emotional for me too, but the particular flavor was"panic." We took the two boys from Swedish to Childrens where I droppedMargaret and Adam, then I took Galen home alone. As soon as we pulled outof the Children's parking lot, Galen started to cry. By the time I got himinside, he was screaming. And I was alone. No Margaret. No nurses. Ok, I'ma new-age man. In fact, I thought I was pretty good at diapers andbottles, but that was the hospital routine. I had that wired. But here athome, nothing was in its place. I couldn't find the diapers. The breastmilk was in the trunk of the car. There were no bottles to be found, norany nipples. The wailing grew louder! Finally, I found the diapers and byremoving the soiled one in preparation of its replacement gave Galen theopportunity he sought - pingo, pee all over Dad. <p><br clear=all><hr>Once Adam came home from Childrens Hospital, we finally had our family.Spending days with the boys at home fulfilled many dreams, but the nightswere another matter. The sleep deprivation didn't bother me (not until myreserves wore out a month later), but Margaret did. She started actingweird at night. We'd put the boys down nestled together in the cradleacross the room and then climb into bed ourselves. Later, woken from abarely-begun sleep, I'd hear the cries and wonder if Margaret would get upto feed them (as we had agreed) or whether I should go and try to comfortthem (a futile endeavor given my anatomy). Although the cries wereescalating, Margaret wasn't moving; couldn't she hear them? I felt guiltythat Margaret had full responsibility for feeding (even though we hadagreed on this plan), so I felt hesitant to wake her. But finally, I nudged"I think Galen's hungry" I suggested quietly. "That's why I'm feeding him!"she responded. I got angry "<b>What?!</b> He's over in the cradlescreaming" And she woke up "Oh, I was sure he was here in bed nursing -what a vivid dream!" On subsequent nights we had variations. <p>Dan: "Don'tyou think you should go feed Adam?" <p>Margaret: "That could be complicated."<p>Dan (incredulous) "<b>Complicated?!?</b>" <p>Margaret: "Because of all the babies here in bed." All she dreamed ofwere breasts, suckling, and rivers flowing with milk.<p><hr><p> <img src="http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/weld/photos/boys/b-announce.jpeg" ALIGN=left>Some nights I would bottle feed the boys (not much relief for Margaret sinceshe then had to pump, but they often ate more and hence slept longer aftera bottle feed). And even when Margaret breast fed, I would get up to helpchange diapers and burp them. It's always hard to climb from the warm,sleepy, covers into the cold chill of the bedroom. But the sight of Adam orGalen gently stretching and slowly waking up is so wondrous that delightquickly overwhelms selfish annoyance. It's a joy to watch them wufflingheads back and forth in search of Margaret's breast. And once they bothlatch on, they stare, wide-eyed, watching each other, competitivelysucking. <p>Galen in particular is fun to watch. He gets so frantically hungry that heoften has difficulty realizing that the breast is right THERE in his mouth.But when he gets latched, he has a tremendous vacuum. Last night I realizedwhy his sucking sounded so familiar. It was the same rhythmic noise of thegasoline pump at the service station: Chug, chug, CHING, Chug, chug, CHING.<p><br clear=all><hr>Over Thanksgiving, Margaret's sister Anne and her husband Jona broughttheir newborn, Oliver, to Seattle. Only one month older, but <b>boy</b> is hebig. And what an eater! Apparently, he keeps asking his mother"Please madam, could I have a bit more of that milk... with some milk sauce?"<p> <hr> (12/7/95) Unbelievable. I'd read cartoons about how new parentsactually got excited about pop and drool, but when I came home from thedepartmental Christmas party, Margaret was bursting to tell me about herevening alone with the boys... "Galen had this really MASSIVE poop!" sheexulted.<p><hr>The boy's Bris. Lots of heavy feelings and concerns - especially in the 24hours right before the event. But I don't wish to write about it. Instead,let me rejoyce in the fact that they are fine. And recount the funniestincident. Part way through, the rabbi figured that the mohel was probablyready with the preparations (in the nursery) and (going to get the boys)discovered that there was five minutes to kill. Delaying, the rabbi askskids in attendence if there are any questions... <p>Silence. Then Una says "What's a bris?"<p> "Very good question" says the rabbi and answers with a long,philosphical discussion of the ritual's history and significance. Then,since there was still need for delaying tactics, he asked again"Any other questions?"<p>Casey chirps up: "Are the bow and arrows <b>REAL?</b>"<p><hr><p> <img src="http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/weld/photos/boys/adam+galen.jpeg" ALIGN=right>Margaret and I always used to remind each other that it is crucial to treatlife as a process, not as goals and objectives. The boys make this evermore clear. It's incredible how fast they are growing - at seven weeks,they are almost double their birth weight. Focusing and tracking. Lovingto be held. Hands gaining control. Smiling. The ultimate process.<br clear=all><p><hr>(1/2/95) What a night. I came home late (8:15pm) after a hard day whichstarted early. The AAAI deadline is only 6 days away and things are heatingup. But I felt so bad missing a whole day of the boy's lives... Thebike ride home rejuvenated me and once I arrived it was delightful to justhold and calm first Galen then Adam. (Margaret had already cooked adelicious meal). Felt <b>so</b> relaxing! But the simple pleasure of coaxingGalen to sleep on my chest was nothing compared to what was to follow...<p>While we ate dinner in the kitchen, the boys were in their car seats besideus. Adam was calmer now and waving his hands like a conductor. Suddenly Inoticed that he was watching me intently, so I dropped to my knees andcrawled over beside him... His eyes are locked on mine. I shape a grin andhe suddenly matches it! Huge exaggeration! Eyes incredibly wide! Amazing!Such spasms of feeling! It goes on and on! His body writhes with it! Ahappiness seizure! I will never forget it.<p> <img src="http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/weld/photos/boys/adam.jpeg" ALIGN=left>Eventually it became to much and, overstimulated, he started to cry. Thebinky solved the problem, and 20 min later he was ready again. As I smiledat him, his eyes opened SO wide! Head wiggled and fussed as he tried tofigure out what to do. Then the smile broke out - WOW!<p>It really seems like a momentous occasion. I wonder what is going on in hishead. At some level, it's more incredible than learning to use one's hands.This is the first real communication with another being for him. Up untilnow it's all been a one-way cry for help, but tonight it was a two-wayconnection. <p> I had thought that we'd had social smiles before this, but they havebeen paltry affairs compared to tonight. They were gratifying, but just notof the same significance.<br clear=all><p><hr>(1/9/95)The AAAI deadline is finally past --- papers express mailed yesterday atfive --- and I got to managed to spend last evening and this morningactually watching and playing with the boys. How much they've changed inthe past week! Adam seems to perceive the world in a completely differentmanner than the last time I really spent time with him. He really tracksobjects, eyes shift from Mom to Dad and back when both are in proximity. It's an incredible learning phenomenon; I just can't imagine how much isgoing on inside his head, how he's figuring it out. Originally the streamof visual information had no structure, but now he can recognize humanfaces!? There must be some incredibly strong bias which directs the process.It's both magical and inspiring. It's also incredibly fun! Both Adam andGalen are giving lots of smiles now. Melts my heart.<p>A couple nights ago I came home from work at midnight, all tense andabsorbed with technical (and political) issues. The bike ride thru crispair cleared my mind and set the stage, but when I saw the boys I rememberedhow unimportant research is in the grand scheme of things. The boys aregroing so fast that I simply must take a day off a week to witness theprocess. <p> <hr> (1/24/95) The boys are gaining control of all their muscles, and naturally theirmouths come first. Their feeding behavior is very different from thetentative and uncoordinated initial efforts. Now they know what they wantand are quite expert at getting it. At times they exude a calm competence inthe pursuit of their food, and it reminds me of cowboys herding theircattle. If Margaret's nipple was a steer, the boy's mouth would be alasso. The capture movement is a giant facial lunge, much like the leapinto a saddle. Adam and Galen are breast cowboys.<p><hr><img src="http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/weld/photos/boys/galen.jpeg" ALIGN=right>(2/6/96 Hawaii Big Island)I tried taking the boys for their first swim in the ocean, and the frightening wailing which ensued suggests that they didn't fully likeit. I controlled Adam's water landing by holding him in a mockstanding position and gently lowering him towards the black sandwhich was periodically washed in a thin sheet of water. When his feetfirst touched a cold wave, Adam's little legs retracted up next to hisbody (knees splayed sideways) like the wheels of an airplane thatrefused the touchdown.<p>However, the ocean experience has caused me to notice how Galen (justa bit) resembles a wet flopping fish when he gets angry andfrustrated - too hungry to eat, all stiff, neck whipping around, armsflailing. Like a sad and panicking grouper, out of water.<br clear=all><p> Nathan's bouncy chair has been a revelation. When we first put Adam init, his eyes expanded saucer-like. The brightly colored toy bar fixed hiseyes and his arms started their weird spasmic gyrations. The toys are so⌨️ 快捷键说明
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