fortunes-o.real

早期freebsd实现

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The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
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"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
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"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
		-- Humphrey Bogart
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The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
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The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
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	Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
		-- Mason Williams
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There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
bomb a virgin building is terrific.
		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
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There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
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There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
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"There is a God, but He drinks"
		-- Blore
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There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
	Because in their haste
	They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
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There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
	He'd yip and he'd yap,
	Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
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There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
	A virgin named Joan
	From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
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There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
	So he built him some chicks
	Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
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There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
	One was even so brave
	As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
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There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
	Concave and convex
	It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
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There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
	I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
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There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
	Till a prince from Peru
	Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
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There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
	It was not the size
	That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
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There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
	Till a Spanish grandee,
	Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
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There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
	That in spite of high station,
	Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
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There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
	For even with Venus
	His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
			   h
			   i
			   s
			   .
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There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
	She said with a yell,
	As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
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There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
	She said, "It's a sin,
	But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
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There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
	From the love-making frock
	(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
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There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
	There was never a sound
	For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
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There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
	His father said, "Durcan!
	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
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There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
	But you knew from the view,
	As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
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There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
	At least so I thought
	Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
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There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
	The dress caught on fire
	And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
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There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
	For it tickled her bum
	And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
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There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
	She said to her beau
	"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
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There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
	But the banister broke
	So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
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There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
	His wife was a bitch,
	And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
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There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
	And he wouldn't have been
	If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
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There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
	But the loyal hall porter
	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
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There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
	She said with a grin,
	"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
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There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
	When he got into bed,
	The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
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There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
	He fell on his cutlass
	Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
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There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I
really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do
anything to me.
		-- John Wayne
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There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
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There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
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There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
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There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
		-- Billy Joel
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There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
		-- David Mairowitz
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This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
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This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
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This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
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This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personal to various situations.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
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Thou shalt not omit adultery.
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To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
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"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
name."
		-- Gore Vidal
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'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod		And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad:	The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.		And doffed her miniskirt.

"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!	One, two!  One, two!  And through 
The looks that melt, the claws that		and through
	catch!				The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun	He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"		And went galumphing back.

He took his venerable staff in hand:	"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
	sought --			O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
So rested he among the spree		He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
					'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod	
					Did groove and trip out at the pad:
					All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
					And the Radcliffe undergrad.
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	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
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"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
opposite."
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
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Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
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Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
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Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
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Virgin, n.:
	An ugly third grader.
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War is menstruation envy.
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"Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
		-- W. C. Fields
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We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
hand."
		-- James Watt
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We have reason to believe that man first
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
		-- Lily Tomlin
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"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
		-- Ronald Rea