fortunes-o.real

早期freebsd实现

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Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
		-- Hal Hickman
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Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
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"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
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	Overheard in a bar:
Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
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People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
		-- Norman Cousins
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Physicists do it with charm
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Politicians do it to everyone.
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Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
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Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
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Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
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Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
    by lightning first.
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Q:  How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
    backyard?
A:  If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
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Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
    or an airline stewardess?
A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
    mouth and nose, and breath normally."
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Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
    screwing began.
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Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
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Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:  As much as he wants.
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Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
    be?
A:  A fur coat.
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Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
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Q:  What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
A:  A rebel without a clue.
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Q:  What is "SMOORPLAY"?
A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
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Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:  A cheese grater
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Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
A:  Two hours of begging.
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Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
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Q:  Where does virgin wool come from?
A:  Ugly sheep.
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Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:  So she can moan with the other!
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"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
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Randel, n.:
	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
for farting at a friend.
		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
		   Preposterous Words
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Reagan can't _a_c_t either
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Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
do with the other.
		-- Jules Feiffer
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Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
country.  The remainder is thrown out.
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Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
		-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson
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Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
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Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
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Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
	But a fullback from State
	Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
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Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
	"Try as hard as I can,
	I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
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Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
	Let _V be virginity
	Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
	_N times into _V ...
	The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
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Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
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Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
needed.
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Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
are unimportant.
		-- Henry Miller
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Sex is the poor man's opera.
		-- G. B. Shaw
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She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
you any other way."
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She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
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... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts
would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
Through Swimsuits Issue.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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Sooner or later, generals will own you.
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Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
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Statisticians probably do it.
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Subpoena, n.:
	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
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Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
		   Association
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Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
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Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?
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"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
		-- Ronald Reagan
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"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
		-- Dave Barry
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	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't
just say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
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The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
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	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
not much good in a fight."
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The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
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... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
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	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
	I'm covered with sweat,
	And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
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THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
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The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
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The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
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The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
in front every time you want to kiss her.
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The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
old.  The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
are.  Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses
directly over the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we
ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
are not.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
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The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
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        The Split-Atom Blues

Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
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"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
curiosity."
		-- Ronald Reagan
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The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
		-- Henry Kissinger
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The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.