fortunes-o.real

早期freebsd实现

with the feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
and father.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
scares the shit out of me.
		-- R. Geis
%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.
%
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
"I've just had a good war."
	       -- Mae West
%
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."
%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
		-- S. J. Perelman
%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles."
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
only two went back to women.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
and never be our destiny.
		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
%
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
should join

		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:

    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
        UFOs come.
    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
        the circle.
    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
%
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw."
		-- W. C. Fields
%
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
		-- Robert Burton
%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
reality at any point."
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."

	And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."

	And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
	He chuckled with mirth,
	For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%
Incest, n.:
	Sibling revelry.
%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
someone writes `bible thumpers?'
		-- Joel M. Snyder, [e-mail]
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then
god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
		-- Frank Zappa
%
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital
lies."
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
%
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
		-- Daniel Hinojosa
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%
John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized
apoplexy.
		-- Edward P. Morgan
%
Kasha, n.:
	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
help *___you* much.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
neck.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
hard you get fucked.
%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
and a virgin in the whole organization."
%
Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%
Missionary Position:
	The missionary on top.
%
"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
%
"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of
saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother,
drunk or sober."
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%
		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

	On a bad trip
	When the cops come
	When I lose my head
	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
%
		NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
		-- Margaret H. Sanger
%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
		-- Woody Allen
%
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
	Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%
Occident, n.:
	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ocean, n.:
	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
man -- who has no gills.
%
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
	They argued all night
	Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
%
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
resources and our taxes."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"