fortunes-o.real

早期freebsd实现

Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
		-- Ansel Adams
%
"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
%
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
the people.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

		... Seats 500.
%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Do something big -- fuck a giant
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
		-- Bo Diddley
%
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
you through times of no dope.
		-- Gilbert Shelton
%
Draft beer, not people
%
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
		-- C. Degen
%
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
	     sleep in the wet spot.
	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
	     themselves.
	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
	     your brother!
	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
	     wet.
	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
	     boy".
	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
	     pillow.
	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
	     left it.
%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
male schlemiel.
		-- Ewald Nyquist
%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ..."
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Floppy now, hard later.
%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
offered by Caspar Weinberger:

	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"

		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
%
Fornication, n.:
	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:

Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
    and you didn't scream?
A:  No ma'am.
Q:  Does that mean you consented?
A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
		-- Mark Twain
%
	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
	"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%
God is an atheist.
%
GOD is applied POWER
    which is applied GOVERNMENT
	which is applied POLITICS
	    which is applied ADVERTISING
		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
			which is applied BIOLOGY
			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
				which is applied PHYSICS
				    which is applied MATH
					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
					    which is applied BULLSHIT
%
"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
I new that Santa would never lie.
%
"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
%
God isn't dead -- he's been busted
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
	"Well, how about Mercury?"
	"No, it's too hot there."
	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
	"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%
Grain grows best in shit
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%
Great Lover, n.:
	A man who can breathe through his ears.
%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%
Haggis, n.:
	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
ankles in bullshit.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
		-- R. E. Masters
%
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
	Her husband said, "Vi,
	When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
		-- Michael Cain
%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
hands.
%
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

	* Governmental offices
	* Post offices
	* Libraries
	* Schools
	* Banks
	* Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!"
%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
		-- John Valby
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%
I am an atheist, thank God!
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
once was ... an arctic wilderness
		-- Steve Martin
%
I came; I saw; I fucked up
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
	Now I know the perfection
	Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
"I own my own body, but I share"
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were