fortunes-o.real

早期freebsd实现

71:
	69 with two fingers up your ass.
		-- George Carlin
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
	Saw a man come along
	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
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A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
	But another, more sane,
	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
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A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
to the top.
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A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
		-- Thomas Ybarra
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A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
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A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
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A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
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A hard man is good to find.
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A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
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A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
	And the cube of its weight
	Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
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"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
		-- Mr. Dooley
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A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
		-- J. K. Galbraith
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A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Phyllis Schlafly
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A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
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A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
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A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
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A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
	She let herself go
	For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
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A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
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A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
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A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
	They make love the whole day
	In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
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A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
	While this worthy had fits
	The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
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A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
	Said, "Heavens above!
	I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
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A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
	When she clamored for more
	Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
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"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
drawers."
		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
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A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
	Said the doctor, a cynic,
	"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
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A.I. hackers do it with robots.
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Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
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"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science."
		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
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Achilles' Biological Findings:
	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
	    -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
	    rooster.
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Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
		 cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
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All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
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All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
		-- R. Crumb
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All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
	All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
	He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
	All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
	Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
	Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
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America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
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An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
	Display for selection
	Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
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An Army travels on her stomach.
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An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
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"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
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	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
	And Jesus replied, "What?"
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... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
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Anxiety, n.:
	The first time you can't do it a second time.

Panic, n.:
	The second time you can't do it the first time.
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"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
		-- Claude Shouse

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
		-- Joseph C. Wang
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"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
		-- Ronald Reagan
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Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
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Baltimore, n.:
	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
collars.
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Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
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"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
		-- David Letterman
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Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
		-- Tom Lehrer
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Behold the unborn fetus and
	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
	An enemy civilian).
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Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
gin.
		-- Ralph Nader
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Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
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Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all
evil.
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Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
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Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
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Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
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... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
of knuckles.
		-- Harlan Ellison
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"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
		-- Ronald Reagan
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"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"

"Uh, not right now."

"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
		-- "Real Genius"
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Captain Hook died of jock itch.
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Champagne don't make me lazy.
Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
		-- Taj Mahal
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Chaste makes waste.
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Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
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Christian, n.:
	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
with a life of sin.
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Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
difficult and not tried.
		-- G. K. Chesterton
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Clarke's Third Law:
	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.

G's Third Law:
	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
	There is no magic ...
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Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
contrary.
		-- Tom Robbins
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CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
	We'll be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
	Clone, clone of my own,
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
	And when we're alone,
	Since her mind is my own,
	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
		-- Randall Garrett
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Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
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Coito ergo sum
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College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
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Communists do it without class.
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Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
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Conservative, n.:
	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
		-- Leo C. Rosten
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Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
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Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
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Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
pillage!!
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