fortunes2-o

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promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise," smiled the bride.
	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
%
	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
	"Do it alone?"
	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
	"How would that help?"
	"Used a whip."
%
	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
	"Oh, it's not dead then."
	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
on the safe side."
	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
		-- Monty Python
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually 
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
society.  Society made me what I am today!"
	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
like me."
	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
	"You're going to be okay..."
		"...gurgle..."
			"... maybe not."
		-- Repo Man
%
	"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%
	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
	"Oh, how can you tell?"
	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
%
	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
%
	In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
	And there was mud.
	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
	"Certainly," said man.
	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
	And He went away.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
	In the evening, floating in the soup.
(chorus):
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
	You can ask them anything you want to.
	They won't answer; they can't talk.
(chorus):
	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
(chorus):
	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
(chorus):
	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
(chorus):
	Fishy!
(chorus):
		-- Fish Heads
%
	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
	It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
	Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
	It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
%
	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
country there's only one."
	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
that?"
	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
%
	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
	"You really want to know?"
	"Yeah."
	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
%
	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
	Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22.  If