fortunes2-o

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		-- Harlan Ellison
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	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
your penis?"
	"Uh, not right now."
	"Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
		-- Real Genius
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	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
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	"Daddy?"
	"Yes son."
	"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
	"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
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	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
	Sept 28		Blind Academy
	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
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	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
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	"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
	"But this is different," protested her husband.
	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
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	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
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	Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 
the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door 
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 
response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 
ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
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	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face 
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 
hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
at mine, over there."
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	During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
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	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 
blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved 
to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 
pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."  
	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh, 
stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 
tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.  
	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 
tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"  
	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
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	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
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	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
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	Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 
baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
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	Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 
floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette 
girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not 
all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
	"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
fail me."
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	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
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	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 
town."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
	"Oh, no, you're not."
	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
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	For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
thoughts?"
	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
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	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
and sarcastic?"
	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
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	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
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	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
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	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
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	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You