fortunes2-o

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	A month later: "You get laid today?"
	"No, Dad."
	"No?  How come?"
	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"
%
	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
	A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.  
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 
love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
	She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 
my pantyhose."
%
	A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
settle for a kiss."
	The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
%
	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
	An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was 
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%
	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?" 
said the the soldier.
	"My name is Mary," said the woman.  
	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.  
	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
	"To Bethlehem."
	"Your reason for going there?" 
	"To pay our taxes to the government."
	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 
Ricans?"
%
	An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 
remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
%
	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
	And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
%
	Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
		me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
		too fast."
%
	Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and 
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste 
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.  
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 
friend asked him how it went.
	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second 
night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six 
times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the 
last night, nothing!"
	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
	But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
	But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing 
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole 
bunch of knuckles.