fortunes2-o

早期freebsd实现

You've been bowling again!"
%
	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 
dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 
brother and inquires after his pet.
	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me," 
he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 
of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 
corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 
outside one day..."
%
	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
%
	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
he says.
	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
%
	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
%
	A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 
Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
	The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 
had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
	A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
%
	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
little Leprechaun.
	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
his little dick!"
	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
%
	A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
hung than *anybody*."
	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
	"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?" 
%
	A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 
man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 
fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 
the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
	A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 
was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.  
	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
kind of meat is it?"
	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
	A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother 
asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange 
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then, 
silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued 
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 
wrong out there?"
	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
	A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%
	A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
	"Yeah, Dad."
	"How was it?"
	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
	"Good Boy!".