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						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
Dear Sir:
	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
us.
	Sympathetically,
	Amanda L. Smith

p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
					MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
					all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Snow White

Dear Snow White:

	Thanks for last night.

		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
%
		LEPROSY
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?

Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?

Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
%
		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:

	--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
		which UFOs come.
	--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
	--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
		squared the circle.
	--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
Bull.
%
		The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.

What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.

Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
	I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?

But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
	And am I not the master of my own?

Nothing to eat?
	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
	Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.

Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
		-- L.L. Zeiger
%
	... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
	"No."
	So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%
	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
	"Is she with her lover?"
	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
%
	A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%
	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
%
	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
doorway.
	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!