limerick

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All the female apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
	But a friendly giraffe
	Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
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An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
	But while shooting his load
	It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
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An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
	She will use her bare fist
	If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
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An AI researcher named Bluth
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
	Eroticon VI,
	Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
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An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
	But the poor little runt
	Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
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An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
	By seventeen sailors
	A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
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An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
	When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
	She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."
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An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
	Display for selection
	Three kinds of erection-
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
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An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
	Display for selection
	Three kinds of erection-
Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
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An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
	She thought it quite lewd
	To be wooed in the nude,
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
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An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
	Women are fine
	And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno."
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An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
Had a fetish involving the net.
	As he fondled his IMP
	His cock went from limp
To as hard as concrete which has set.
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An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
	She was finally the prize
	Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
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An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
	The drawing was fine,
	The colour - devine,
The scent - ah, that was a failia.
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An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
	The drawing was fine,
	The colour - divine,
The scent - ah, that was a failia.
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An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
	The hardware went bad,
	But not the young lad
(Except for the toupee and truss).
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An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
	The hardware went bad,
	But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
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An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
	Used on Saturday nights
	To turn down the lights,
And chase them around with a bludgeon.
		-- Edward Gorey
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An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
	It was small consolation
	That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
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An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
	When asked for a fuck
	She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
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An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
	He lighted the hair
	Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
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An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
	He was gathering semen
	To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
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An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
	She vanished one day,
	But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
		-- Edward Gorey
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An indefatigable woman named Bavel
Had often occasion to travel;
	On the way she would sit
	And furiously knit,
And on the way back she'd unravel.
		-- Edward Gorey
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An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
	But the friend shortly found
	Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
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An innocent maiden named Herridge
Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
	When she later found out
	What her spouse was about,
She threw herself under a carriage.
		-- Edward Gorey
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An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
	"Do you mean birds and bees
	Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
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An irate young lady named Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
	If you want it queer ways,
	Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
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An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
	This was not from compunction,
	But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
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An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
	The wife for a week
	Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
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An old electronic designer
Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
	He couldn't carry them out
	For his prick was too stout,
And too small was the minor's vagina.
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An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
	But he was not removed
	Till one day it was proved
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
		-- Edward Gorey
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An old maid who had a pet ape
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
	His red, hairy phallus
	So filled her with malice
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
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An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
	It snipped off a twat-curl
	From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
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An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
	And between obbligatos
	He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.
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An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
	Her climatic fame spread
	With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!
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An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
	Had sex, so I hear,
	Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
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And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
	So he gave her a thwack,
	And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
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And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
	When a chap took a crap
	In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
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As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
	Since he thinks it's effete
	To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
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As he came in his chubby choirboy,
Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
	If no sodomy levens
	And possible heavens,
Existence will merely annoy."
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As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
	I could not bear the loss,
	For with scarlet silk floss
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
		-- Edward Gorey
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As tourists inspected the apse
An ominous series of raps
	Came from under the altar,
	Which caused some to falter
And others to shriek and collapse.
		-- Edward Gorey
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Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
	I screw a young nun
	In the eastertide sun?"
His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
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At a contest for farting in Butte
One lady's exertion was cute :
	It won the diploma
	For fetid aroma,
And three judges were felled by the brute.
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At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
	Letting all comers press
	Through the skirt of her dress
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
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At the end of all civilization
Is the planet Terminus's location.
	There's a girl there whose feat,
	Without stone or concrete,
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
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At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
	He said, "After this poke
	`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
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At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
	It beats all night long
	A dirge on a gong
As it staggers about in the creepers.
		-- Edward Gorey
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At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
	Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.
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At whist drives and strawberry teas
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
	But when she was alone
	She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
		-- Edward Gorey
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Augustus, for slpashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
	In the morning he'd not
	Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
		-- Edward Gorey
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Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
	In the morning he'd not
	Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
	And they spent the whole day
	On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
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Each Friday his engines abort,
But Scotty is never caught short.
	He fills his machines
	With space-navy beans,
And farts the ship back into port.
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Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits on the foot of my bed;
	I'd not mind that he speaks
	In gibbers and squeaks,
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
		-- Edward Gorey
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Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
	I'd not mind that he speaks
	In gibbers and squeaks,
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
		-- Edward Gorey
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From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
	Said the rector, "My gracious,
	Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
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From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news;
	They've discovered a head
	In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
		-- Edward Gorey
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From the bathing machine came a din
As of jollification within;
	It was heard far and wide,
	And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.
		-- Edward Gorey
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"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
	My whole tongue has been raw--
It must have been something I ate."
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In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
	It's the best part of valor
	To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
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In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
	And loud was his mirth
	For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
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In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam
	And loud was his mirth
	For on all of the earth
There were only two balls and he had'em.
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In the little French town of Le'Beau,
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
	At a masquerade ball,
	Clad in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
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It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
	One time in the grass
	I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
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It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
	They sat in her Bentley,
	She fondled him gently,
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
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The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
	Where ten thousand virgins
	Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
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The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
	And fuck high, wide, and free,
	From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
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The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
	Once Congress in session,
	Declared its suppression,
But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
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The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
	Or she sneaks to the slums
	And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
		-- Morris Bishop
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The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
	Or she sneaks to the slums
	And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.           
		-- Morris Bishop
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The old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
	He knew from its bend
	And the knot on the end,
T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
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There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
	At the height of orgasm
	Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
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There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
	As they knelt on the hassock
	He lifted his cassock
And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
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There once was a boy named Carruthers
Who was busily fucking his mother
	"I know it's a sin,"
	He said, shoving it in,
"But it's better than blowing my brother."
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There once was a chick named Longet,
Who went out to Aspen to play.
	Along came a Spyder,
	Who sat down beside her
And she blew the poor bastard away.
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There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
	Till she found that its dong
	Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
	Said he, "What's it got,
	My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
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There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
	Because in their haste