limerick

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	Which rather suprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
	All the lady mice waved
	And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
%
A happy old hooker named Grace
Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
	It was hard for beginners
	To tell who were winners :
There were cunt hairs all over the place.
%
A hardware debugger named Court
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
	But its buffer array
	Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
%
A haughty young wench of Del Norte
Would fuck only men over forty.
	Said she, "It's too quick
	With a young fellow's prick;
I like it to last, and be warty."
%
A headstrong young woman in Ealing
Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
	When quizzed why she did,
	She replied, "To be rid
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
	At the height of the spasm
	The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
%
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
	At the height of the spasm
	The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
%
A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
	"Keep your prick in your pants
	Till the end of this dance--"
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
%
A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
	The end of his dillie
	Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
%
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
	And her parts grew so hot,
	There was steam on her twat,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
%
A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
	The gardener drew near
	With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
%
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
	Was virgo intacto,
	Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
%
A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
	In the midst of caresses
	He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
%
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
	Anon she doth blench
	When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
%
A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
	Gyration, elation
	Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
%
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
	He'd say, just for luck,
	"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
%
A lad of the brainier kind
Had erogenous zones in his mind.
	He got his sensations,
	By solving equations,
(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
%
A lady born under a curse
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
	From the back she would wail
	Through a thickness of veil:
"Things do not get better, but worse."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady both callous and brash
Met a man with a vast black moustache;
	She cried, "Shave it, O do!
	And I'll put it with glue
On my hat as a sort of panache."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady from Kalamazoo
Once found she had nothing to do,
	So she sat on the stairs
	And she counted her hairs:
4,302.
%
A lady from Old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
	And deserted her man
	In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
%
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
	Said her beau, "Have no fear,
	For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.
%
A lady stockholder quite hetera
Decided her fortune to bettera:
	On the floor, quite unclad,
	She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
%
A lady was seized with intent
To revise her existence misspent.
	So she climbed up the dome
	Of St. Peter's in Rome,
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
	Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
	And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
%
A lady, while dining in Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
	Or wave it about
Or the others will ask for one, too."
%
A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
	"I don't mind my shins
	Being stuck full of pins,
But I fear I am coming unsexed."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
	When they asked her its size
	She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
%
A lass at the foot of her class
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
	She replied, "With no fuss
	You can get a B-plus,
By letting the prof pat your ass."
%
A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
After fucking his favorite female,
	Mixed Drambuie and scotch
	With the cream in her crotch
For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
%
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
	But instead of a fine
	He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
	But the good ones I've seen
	So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
	One day they increased it.
	Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
%
A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
	Till he ran into a lass
	Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
%
A lovely young diver named Nancy,
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
	The fish of Bonaire,
	Watched her Derriere,
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
%
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
	The police cried, "Whatam--
	Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as they could.
%
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
	The police cried, "Whatam--
	Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as they cude.
%
A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
	Till she found a bull
	Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
%
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no woman had lain,
	But he found sublimation
	At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
%
A madam who ran a bordello
Put come in her pineapple jello,
	For the rich, sexy taste
	And not wanting to waste
That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
%
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
	Whoever he climbed
	Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
%
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
	The horsey set rushed her,
	But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
%
A maiden who travelled in France
Once got on a train, just by chance.
	The engineer fucked her,
	The conductor sucked her,
And the fireman came in his pants.
%
A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
	Sold her stuff at the shop
	Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
%
A man was once heard to boast,
That he received a parcel by post,
	It contained, so we heard,
	A magnificent turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
%
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
	He sailed off with a tool
	Flat and thin as a rule -
When he got there he found he was wrong.
%
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexhedronical ball,
	And the square of its weight
	Times his pecker's, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
	And the cube of its weight
	Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
%
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
	Said he, "If you glue
	The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
%
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely in ruin,
	For he flirted with flirts
	Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
%
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
	She had nowhere to turn,
	So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
%
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
	"How could I know, Judge?
	She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
%
A nasty old drunk in Carmel
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
	He says, "Some don't favor
	That unusual flavor,
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
%
A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
	When he'd diddled a while
	She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
	In twenty-eight days
	They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
%
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
	His wife was in bed
	Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
	Reads the sign o'er the head
	Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
%
A novice was told by the Abbot:
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
	While they roll in the hay
	You just stay home and pray.
You've got to get out of that habit."
%
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
	But he made members weep
	For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
%
A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
	She launched it with ease
	On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
	They argued all night
	Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
%
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
	And her twat would get wet,
	And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
%
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
	To arrest his regard
	She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
%
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
	She replied, "Why, you fool,
	With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
%
A physical fellow named Fisk
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
	So fast was his action
	The Fitzgerald contraction
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
%
A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
	It was frequently liable
	To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
%
A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
	So time it aright,
	Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
%
A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
	And each morning at matin
	Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
%
A playful young chemist named Byrd
Had an urge that could not be deferred.
	So to irritate Knox
	He shit in his sox,
And plastered the walls with his turd.
%
A plumber whose name was John Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
	Her resistance was stout,
	And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
%
A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
	But the heat of his prick
	Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
%
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
	But the husband said, "No!
	It's to much.  Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
%
A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
	Lascivious beasts
	(Oh, those Anglican priests)
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole-
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
     A curious mole
     Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
	She let herself go
	For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%
A princess who lived near a bog
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
	Now she and her prince
	Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
%
A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home on a purple pagoda.
	She festooned the walls
	Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.