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<td align=middle valign=bottom><FONT color="#8E2323"><h1>Jokes</h1></font></td>
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<B>Submitted by:</B> Philippe Dykmans<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Friday, April 24, 1998 at 06:32:24<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>
Considering that:
Windows 95 and the Gremlin-virus both mess up your system,
Windows 95 and the Gremlin-virus both swallow your resources,
Windows 95 and the Gremlin-virus both corrupt your data,
I suggest we try Gremlin as an OS...
because Gremlin is well-written and it comes for free...</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> Sujan Yuvraj<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Friday, April 24, 1998 at 01:50:14<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>THIS IS FOR COMPUTER PROFESSIONALS
Don't spend too much time sitting before system. Otherwise the following things may happen in your future. Take care.
1. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
2. When you are counting objects, you go
0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D....
3. When you dream,you are going to dream in 256 pallettes of
256 colors.
4. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine
and come to sleep, then I am going to divorce you!", you are going
to scream at her for omitting the "Else" clause.
5. You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours
6. When you are reading a book ,you would look for the scroll
bar to get to the next page.
7. If you want to call somebody you pick up the phone and start
dialling an IP number...
8. You are going to look for an icon to double-click, to open
your bedroom window.
9. When you go to balance your check book, you would discover
that you'll be doing the math in octal.
10.You would look for a trash can icon to throw garbage.
11.When you get in the elevator you would double-click the
button for the floor you want to go.
</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> Christopher S. Pope<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 14:11:05<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>True story:
I was a student office worker at my college and cared for the office PCs.
One secretary had a 286 running windows and had some problems with enough
memory to run his applications. So I sat down at his desk, and at the DOS
prompt I typed the command MEM /C | MORE and began analyzing the output.
It was at this point I looked up into a stare of bewilderment, amazement, and
awe on the secretary's face as he asked me "You mean all I had to do was type
MEM MORE, and it would have given me more memory?"
I wish today I would have told him "Yeah, it's a Microsoft secret."
</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> Vytukas<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 04:43:36<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life -- at least for a while.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the
next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old
life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner
of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he
had ever seen.
She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of
you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me, she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the
bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus
tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware -- how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island,
there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But
enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole
time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said. After a few minutes of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While
the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could
only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a
drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more
coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina
colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on
her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
Shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the
cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-
ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines --
strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned
for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out
here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know..."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You
mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Best Regards =) </pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> Nuno David<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Wednesday, April 22, 1998 at 02:06:54<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>W.rdp.rf.ct help line
A true story from the W.rdp.rf.ct helpline. Needless to say the help desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the W.rdp.rf.ct
organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialog of a former W.rdp.rf.ct Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in W.rdp.rf.ct, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> steve bryndin<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Tuesday, April 21, 1998 at 10:37:08<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>More on How to shoot yourself in the foot.....
Assembly: By the time you've written the gun, you are dead, and don't have to
worry about shooting your feet. Alternatively, you shoot and miss, but don't
notice.
80x86 Assembly: The gun isn't in the same segment as your feet, so you can't
shoot them.
Forth: foot gun shoot.
NewtonScript: You could shoot your self in the foot if the frames heap were
larger.
Object Pascal: Sort of like Modula crossed with Pascal. You write a class for
feet and one for guns. Then the compiler tells you that you can't shoot a
foot with a gun.
PL/1: you can't decide how to shoot yourself in the foot.
</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
<B>Submitted by:</B> BradO<BR>
<B>Submitted on:</B> Sunday, April 19, 1998 at 09:52:15<BR>
<BLOCKQUOTE><pre>What is the difference between Bill Gates and God?
God doesn't believe that he is Bill Gates.
</pre></BLOCKQUOTE><HR>
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